Eating in the saddle

Last weekends Brig Sportive threatened to be a washout with high winds and torrential rain forecast.
Certainly as we travelled to the venue you could have been excused for believing that you were in a car wash as we were buffeted from side to side whilst seemingly being emerged in large quantities of water.
However as the start time approached the aerial sprinkler system malfunctioned and the only precipitation in sight was that left behind forming large puddles along the route.

The field had been depleted by those non attenders who suffered from acute Ombrophobia- (Fear of rain or of being rained on)

As Mark and I prepared ourselves, fellow Mule Kelky and his Colleague Karen turned up to do the Shorter ride. So at least three Mule Shirts were on Parade.The course was gorgeous and well organised although the last 15 miles riding into a strong headwind caused my energy levels to tumble as dramatically as a sneezing trapeze artist.

With my Garmin telling me I had completed 98.2 miles Mark pointed out some riders behind us. These were a couple of young bucks who we had recently overtaken. They were storming up the road and closing the gap rapidly, probably incensed that some tubby veteran was going to pick up a 'ten second pride bonus' at the finish. Mark asked 'what have you got left? With only 1.8 miles to go I knew I had something in reserve and can always be relied upon to lead out when the terrain is flat. 'Don't worry about me' I arrogantly shouted as I blasted past him ramping up the pace to 28 mph. Glued to my wheel Mark shouted out words of encouragement.

After a mile I was hurting, after 1.5 miles I was totally burying myself. Moments later as my Garmin hit 99.80 miles I suddenly realised that there was no finishing line around the corner. The urban area that we were now entering was not in fact Brig but the village three miles to the south of our destination. The sudden realisation crushed me and I let Mark through, frantically trying to hold his wheel whilst yelling at him to slow down. Fortunately the young bucks were now nowhere to be seen and I was able to compose myself and wipe the froth from my mouth before we crossed the line. 100miles should be 100 miles, not F***ing 103.2

This week saw the start of our summer team training on Wednesday evening where it was good to see some new faces.

This week also provided me with over 3,000 miles for the year providing me with a great foundation for the rest of the season.

To get better and faster I now need to get leaner and lighter - my usual problem.

With a 24 hour ride looming on the Horizon its no longer a wish, its now a necessity.
Bob and I had a ride out to Millington on Saturday and stopped at the 'Ramblers rest' for a coffee, a great spot which is a favorite spot for cyclists.

Bob asked me if I wanted my customary Cake which to his astonishment I declined explaining my new ambitions

All around us were other cyclists drinking Coffee and eating cakes which were obviously baked especially for me. I watched intently my head darting from each plate to mouth, as by saliva glands went into overdrive.

Unamused I told Bob that these skinny cyclists were obliged to eat as they had no 'personal fuel' to rely on, I likened their attendance to that of a racing car refuelling during a pit stop.

Bob liked the analogy and chucked.

Developing it further I patted by protruding belly and remarked how clever I was by developing my own fuel reserves which required no saddlebag and could be secured quite nicely on the inside of my cycling jersey.

I then seem to loose the plot and pronounced that when I die I could never be cremated.

I explained that such a course of action might create a large traffic jam with a backlog of funeral hearses trying to reach the crematorium. The delay would inevitably be caused by the time needed for my fuel sacks to extinguish.

Small villages could be heated for weeks or I could be used as an exercise my the local fire brigade.

Bob who was certain that my abstract mutterings were symptoms of some hypoglycemic condition and insisted we share a muesli bar.

It was not quite a cream cake ....but it did shut me up.

Bringing home the Bacon

Puncture at 4 miles - £4.99
Puncture at 29 miles - £4.99
Two inner tubes given to stranded cyclists - £9.88
Ridicule faced at being last up The Devils Chimney - £12 round of drinks
Full English Breakfast by a roaring fire - Priceless
There are some things that money cant buy
But for everything else there are pounds shillings and pence.


Although the weather is still too cold for most people not to be able to turn off their TVs and venture out, the weather has been good for cycling.
Dry with light winds.
So as long as you are wrapped up well there are some miles to be had and I have been trying to get them in.
This Saturday saw the Anglo Mules have their first training ride of the year and it was democratically decided that we should have a challenging climbing route to sort out the Christmas puddings from the salad bowls.
My singular vote was as useful as voting Liberal democrat
I certainly came in the Christmas pudding category having to bully my burden up every incline.
This endeavour caused much merriment with my fellow salad bowls who seemingly had the ability to pedal, laugh and make up fattest jokes - all at the same time.
I was just shattered.
Whether it was the pull of gravity or the fact that I had already cycled the previous 5 days I don't know, but my legs and lungs were fighting to have their say on proceedings.

I had the presence of mind to not raise the issue of my previous weeks toils.
To do so would have been futile and only encourage more ridicule.

At one point it was humorously pointed out that it was in fact a 'good thing' that I had not brought along my Heart Rate Monitor.
The general consensus was that the readings alone could have caused my old ticker to stop.

To make matters worse I got two punctures.
Last year I had none.
In the summer you can almost get away without having tyre leavers. In the winter you need a full wheel brace !!!! applied with glove less hands.
By the time you have finished your hands make perfect beer coolers.

The second puncture came after we had assisted some cyclist up in the wolds who had multiple punctures and had run out of inner tubes. He and his partner were given two of ours.

The net result of this was that my second puncture (Thankfully a slow one) could not be remedied directly.
It meant that every half a mile I had to stop and pump my tyre up.
I had to chuckle to myself as I thought of Johan Bruyneel jumping out of his Radio Shack car and inflating the teams tyres as they rode in the Tour de France.

Despite the Ridicule, the sweat the exhaustion, and despite the mechanical it all seemed incidental when we had our post ride breakfast with some important hydration.
The fact that I had broken through 400 miles for the month of January in our coldest winter also warmed my spirits.

Beer and Toast................................................Why not I ask you ?????

I did not count these calories so don't snitch on me !!!!!

Bah Humbug - not me

As the early winter grips with its icicle teeth, cycling is now forced from my attention.

Even the prospect of 'spinning' has now been taken away from me.

The snow piled up so high on my local leisure centre that it brought down part of the roof - forcing it to close along with its classes.

Initially this was a big blow

Cycling for me is a bit of an obsession, but to be fair it is also much more than that.
I love commuting by bike and the feeling that it gives me. To know that with each mile I save 'x' amount of pence in petrol and also provide society with a moving billboard.
Showing that travelling by car does not have to be the conventional way to travel.

I love exploring my beautiful countryside at a pace that is quick enough to keep my interest yet slow enough to absorb what is visually on offer.


I love being a 'Mule' as part of the Travels with my Mule cycling team. I love the camaraderie of team work, competing and riding amongst large groups of other like minded people.

Today I ventured into town by foot.
As a cyclist I have always been able to relate to the expression 'Its just like riding a bike' but now I was ironically applying this to the prosess of walking.
A bit like Bambi in that early Disney production, I could have been mistaken for somebody that had already tucked into to the Sloe gin.
I was dressed in multiple layers of warm clothing and wearing boots with grips like tractor treads.
The pavements were thick with ice from old grey snow.
Snow that had tried in vain to thaw only to be crystallised during the night offering a morning 'slip up'.
My lack of cycling was making me heavy, both in mind and body and my progress was laboured.

My hometown Beverley is a pretty place, with traffic excluded from its main thoroughfare which leads between two market areas. Wednesday Market and Saturday Market.
As I followed this course I was entertained by brass bands playing Christmas Carols.


I have always associated brass bands with my native Yorkshire and when they play Carols it gives me goose bumps. Through emotion rather than the wind that is blown into the assorted instruments.

The street was filled with Christmas shoppers creating a sea of assorted bobbing winters hats and joyous faces. Children delirious with expectation, mothers anxious with anticipation and fathers weary with frustration and of getting their wallets out.

The air was filled with the smell of roasted chestnuts and Cinnamon and shimmering with festive cheer.
As I tapped my foot to the deep sound of the Tuba player and mouthed the words to the carol, I smiled and my mood instantly lifted.
You see there are some days in the year for cycling, some days for resting from cycling, but there should also be days when you should just take it all in.

Advent seems to fit this bill

The Answer my friend is blowing in the Wind

The last few weeks have seen little activity in the rotation of my bicycle wheels however there has been some movement in my waistline which is starting to develop its own circular shape.
If I dont apply the brakes soon i will have my own unique tubular shape.
The lack of cycling has had nothing to do with dedication but more to do with climate.

Each day I watch the weather forecast and despair.

Nature seems to be in some sort of competition with itself to blow all of the leaves off the trees in record time.

I don't mind cycling in the Rain and there has been plenty of that. Nor do I mind cycling in the wind within reason.

1-20 mph not a second thought

20-25 mph without rain I'm still on board

but 30 mph + in the dark is no fun, and fool hardy.

This past week we have had 30-60 mph winds all week with heavy rain.

If that is not bad enough, amongst the precipitation there is an assortment of deciduous offerings.

Do you know a wind blown Horse chestnut leaf can cover your whole face and resemble the texture of a flying bat.

Having said all that I have not been a total wimp.

Last week I actually did 130 miles.

On one of the mornings I set off to work in the dark accompanied by a work colleague Anne.

She managed to get a puncture about a mile from work.

Coyly she looked at me proclaiming that she did not know how to rectify the problem.

Her excuse being that she never cycles alone and would rely on her cycle partner husband to 'sort it out' .

Although she had a spare inner tube, she had no tools.

I arrogantly proclaimed that I my pit stop procedure was akin to that of the Formula 1 Red Bull team and that we would be cycling again in the same time that it might take to apply some lipstick.

My ego was soon as deflated as the tyre, when I realised that my own tools were on my road bike. This particular bike being cosily resting at home.

It was then that natures rejects came to my aid.

Looking for divine inspiration I spied a couple of well shaped twigs which along with a ten pence piece was able to be used to strip the offending tyre from its wheel.

For my gallant efforts I was later presented with a fine bottle of 'Chateaux neuf de pape' from Anne.

It came as no surprise that on subsequent journeys I endeavoured to lead Anne over the toughest terrain praying for further punctures.

Although the weekdays weather has been poor the weekend has been great and I have managed to get out and record the rusty scenery.

Rainy Days and Mondays

It seems an age since I last wrote my blog..... and in fact it is
I went away on a course for three weeks and when I returned last weekend winter had finally arrived as well as a few extra (Unwanted) pounds due to my lack of activity.

Last Monday I set off to work with great expectations all be it in completer darkness.
My shorts had been replaced by long johns, my fingerless gloves by gauntlets and my bandanna by a woolly hat. The overnight temperature had caused an icy sheen on the road and my chest to hurt as I breathed in the cold air.
On the first corner I was lucky to keep my bike upright and the enjoyment was frozen out by the need for total concentration.

Starting in the dark and cold and returning in the dark and cold ........ well it is just grim and I am not really enjoying it.

Thankfully my work came to my rescue......with late nights and vehicular requirements I only had to complete 3 one way trips and 1 return commute completing a paltry 68 miles.
I know I need to do more but this sobering realisation will need to be phased in.
There is one big positive though my new bike
My new winter tourer does make this process less painful, its stable and comfortable yet still retains some integrity as a road bike.

There are also other positives.......I can now start looking at my Christmas wish list.
With the increase in the popularity of cycling there is so much out there.
Ventoux http://www.ventoux-wear.com/ have a great site with so real cool shirts I particularly like this one.
With the Travels with my Mule Team expecting to grow bigger and stronger next year I need a helmet to go with the red,white and blue livery

I found this helmet on the Sustrans web site

http://www.sustrans.org.uk/

They also have some funky lights that just clip on to your bars and have a full range of colours to match your bike Finally cafepress do hundreds......yes hundreds of cycling T Shits
Cafepress

http://t-shirts.cafepress.co.uk/bicycle

Hopefully this week will see an improvement in my cycling mileage and to keep me motivated I will start identifying rides for next year.

The X Files

After training solidly for a number of months I decided to give myself a four day break from cycling and went to a place that would offer no cycling opportunities - Afloat on the Norfolk Broads.
This is our British equivalent to the Everglades in Florida only with No sunshine, No alligators, and No newly formed Oil slicks courtesy of BP (Bumbling Prat's) I did look out of my porthole each day looking for a pedalo, but alas my legs had to be deprived of circular movement.

The break was most enjoyable, but it was thirsty work which required a full hydration programme with cold beer during the day and red wine at night. Variety is important I think.

On my return to Yorkshire I felt so guilty about leaving Addy (My Bike) behind and not cycling that I really packed the miles in over the following four days completing nearly 250 miles.

One of my cycling trips took me to York where I had to go on the same road that I had tumbled over earlier in the year. Now as roads go this particular road would come in the 'good' category. Not a problem, fine, dry and flat with no pot holes or gravel traps.

When I went passed the spot I half expected to see something like a blue plaque in the road.

The sort you see on houses sometimes.

You know like 'This is where Charles Dickens first contracted Chicken pox' or 'William Blake had his first real snog here'.

I guess I wanted to see something like 'This is where Philip Shrimpton had his first major cycle crash'.

Maybe the local Authorities had thought about it but had decided that much more dramatic things were going to happen in my life.

Having safely got passed the plaque less thoroughfare I was slightly relieved at the lack of Drama.

So much so, that on my return journey the place offered me little by way of trepidation.

That was until I reached the point where the plaque should have been placed had it been considered.

At that very point my rear tyre decided to pop, My first puncture of the year.

It would have been an instinctive thought to consider new wording on a plaque, but my first priority was in fact to get the **** out of there as quickly as possible.

I did not need no Moulder or Sculley to tell me that that road was definitely haunted by some anti cyclist ghoul.
My Tyre changing rivalled the Red Bull Formula One team, and I was off running again within 9.2 minutes
The Next couple of days saw further cycling which included the final part of my Skins clothing evaluation. This will be covered by a future blog .
In three weeks time I will be in America and I may just compile a new UK X File to be evaluated.

Happy Cycling

Bike talk

Its been a funny old year. Starting late I could eaily have been mistaken for a Cat 7 rider and I even had the Cat 5 tatoos to match. If I wasnt chewing the tape on my handle bars I was spending most of the time "avoir la selle dans le trou du cul" frankly I was a sloth with February legs
When I was out with others I was beaten like a rented Mule.

If I managed to keep up, I was a squirell searching for wheel sucking opportunities, this was usually as the lantern rouge

Then there was the MS 150 and Natchez trace and I started to venture out of the dinning cart. Although I was still a brick, I did get applauded for being a diesel on flat rides.

Now with nearly 4000 miles under my belt Im the caveman that drives the freight train and am totally zoned.


If you have not got a clue what I am on about look on:-

Dictionary of Roadie Slang

AAA -- "When you need a tow....." The one guy in the group that can pull the rest of the group back home after a very hard training ride.

Aaaarg! Ahab! -- When your riding buy has just abused you by beating you on a sprint, climb or some other prime. Traditional response is "Captains got a wooden leg, (repeated)" (In a high pitch voice, similar to that of a pirate's parrot.) The meaning of the reply is that you have just been beaten souny and are spent and must now acknowledge the beating just administered.

Abdou', Doing an Abdou' -- Crashing while sprinting. (After 1991 final stage of the Tour).

All show and no go -- A not so good rider with a state of the art bike and gear.

Amateur mark -- Grease mark on the leg (like a Cat. 5 tattoo or a sprocket bite.)

animal -- Unhuman rider. Someone who rides up mountains in a 100 inch gear.

ate straw -- Lost the line in a tight corner.

Auld Wart -- (Pronounced: "Owwld Waaaaert.") Referring to the old, tough, wizzened guys who have been going out and doing 150 miles at a constant 8 mph every Sunday for the last 70 years. Believed to have been derived from "Old Stalwart", rather than warts of the carbuncular type!

autobus -- In the big tour mountain stages, the group of poor climbers, whostick together and help each other finish inside the time limit. Also called the gruppetto or the laughing group.

Azurri -- Members of the Italian national squad.


- B -
back to basics -- No heart rate monitor or computer. When a roadie says: "I'm back to basics!" his hane bar should be clean.

bagwell -- A region of debris at the intersection of two roads. The debris is swept into a triangular shape by vehicles going ahead, across, and turning right. Bagwells are a hazard to Roadies, but are often mined by Freds for tools, coins, hardware, small parts, and recyclable materials. Bagwells are named after Bryan Bagwell, the Arizona, USA bicyclist and philosopher who first studied and classified them.

Balls are in the purse - When your buddy either won't ride with you or he is exceptionally weak and timid. "Get your balls back from your girlfriends purse!" "You must have left your balls in your purse!".

bake, baked -- Overtrained.

ball tearer -- A very steep though short hill.

BANG! -- According to Stephan J. in Oz, this one had its origins with his mad opera singing roadie mate. It is used to emphasise an action that occurs quickly, i.e. "When I got to the bottom of the hill, BANG!, I attacked." Mulitple BANGS! are used quite often in roadie speak.

base mileage -- You only got on the bike twice this week, and your weekly total is less than 50 miles.

battle scars -- Permanent road rash souvenirs.

Beaten like a rented mule -- see off the back.

bed stick -- What happens the morning after a biff.

bed suck -- When your bed pulls you under and won't let you get out to train.

biff -- Crash.

big meat -- Large chainring.

billy goat -- Superb climber.

bit-a-bit -- See: chaingang.

bloater -- A rider with more muscle than you. See: Fat boy.

blow, blow snot -- Put a finger to a nostril, turn head and BLOW!

blow your ring -- To go too hard and end up cooked, especially in the mide of nowhere. "I ended up blowing my ring and having to grovel about 60 km home."

blow up-- bonk.

bombing - Going very well, similar to driving. "...I was f**king bombing it "

bonk, bonked -- Running out of energy while riding.

bowling for dollars -- A rider crashes and takes down most or all of the Peloton.

box someone in -- Move sideways such that your opponent can't pass. Used in sprints.

brain bucket -- Helmet.

brick -- Bad climber, good descender. Opposite of: kite.

bubba -- (Southern USA) A rude driver, usually in a pickup truck. Can also be used to describe probability of encounter, i.e., "That loop is about a 2 bubba ride." When encountering a bubba, the best response is to smile and wave - that irritates them more than any other response without increasing the os they will come back and make a road pizza out of you...

bucked off -- This term is used for the guy who just hammered the pace line only to get dropped by the next guy's pull.

bug gulp -- Swallowing a flying insect whole, without chewing.

bug gag -- The bug is too big to go down easily.

bunny hop -- Jump over railroad tracks, potholes, curbs, or other riders.

Bunter (Billy Bunter) - similar to Fred - those guys riding to/from work flat out always trying to smash you, yet always get dropped in any race.

burger -- Crash. "He really burgered..."

bushed -- completely exhausted.

bus stop flop -- that humiliating experience when you fail to click out fast enough at a stop sign or intersection and flop over on your side.

bust a gut -- To ride hard, especially when trying to keep up. "I was busting a gut to keep up with that hammerhead!"




- C -
Campag -- (Brit. Abbrev.) Campagnolo. Gruppos from God! (All except for that Athena crap...)

Campy -- (U.S. Abbrev.) Campagnolo. Gruppos from Gawd! (All except for that Chorus crap...)

campy -- Crass, flashy, garish, gaudy. (Sort of like Campy!)

Camp Granola -- Campagnolo, frequent incorrect first reading of the trademark.

cannibal -- Inhumane rider. Eats 'stiques for lunch.

Cannonwhale, Cannonsnail, Cannonball, Cannonwheel -- Cannondale.

carpet fiber -- a carbon fiber bike

carpet sprint -- What happens when you ride off the rollers.

carrot choppers -- Spinergy wheels.

cat and mouse -- Vying for sprint position.

Cat. 5 tatoo -- Grease mark left on the calf from an inexperienced racer (or spaced veteran) leaning up against his chainring. (This is a popular dis in Miami.)

Cat. 7 -- Synonym for Fred.

Cat. 7 move -- A move so inherently stupid and/or dangerous that even a beginning racer or a squirrel wouldn't do it.

caveman -- Someone who's going well.

cavemanned it -- Rode hard.

chaingang -- Very fast training where everybody goes through the line. A large scale team time trial.

charcoal -- Carbon fiber frame.

cheap gap -- When someone runs through traffic or runs a light to get a gap.

chewing hanebar tape -- (Brit./Wirral) This occurs when you are suffering so much that you find yourself head down over the hanebars and you are chewing the tape on your hanebars (in the vain hope, I think, that you might find some energy from it.) Usage: "When we got to the climb I was chewing my hane bar tape".

the chop -- The arrangement whereby riders help each other during a race and share any prize money won. Also called the "joke". One is said to be "in the chop". Illegal, but usual in a country (= Australia) where legal teams are rare.

chopping block -- In a handicap race, the riders who start just ahead of the scratch bunch. (The term comes from their usually hopeless position. They are too far back in the field to win and not fast enough to get the fastest time award).

Cleat Surfing -- A near fall by getting out of your cleat, like Zabel did in the 1999 Tour.

College Boy -- Anyone that doesn't work 40+ hours per week.

compound disappearing hill -- A hill where no matter how long you climb, you're never more than half the way up.

computer geek -- Anybody that spends more than thirty bucks on a cycling computer.

cooked -- Running out of energy while riding.

coffee klatch -- See: tea party.

corncob -- A 13-18 or 12-19 'straight block' fw/cassette that is the gearing of choice for die-hard roadies, (in Nebraska!)

crack&fail, crimp-and-fail -- See Cannonwhale.

cramp-and-go-slow -- Campagnolo.

crayon -- A crash that results in major road rash.

creamed -- Cream crackered. Knackered. Very tired.

creeping - going very bad.

crit twit -- Criterium ace.

coupon, bike coupon -- certificates implicitly granted by spouses, significant others, or bosses which permit participation in cycling related activity. Bike coupons have a fixed value, so that longer and more disruptive activities cost more coupons. Usage: "I can't make the 'Four Hours From Here' Crit tomorrow, I spent too many Bike Coupons on the 'Three Day Weekend' Omnium last week."

cyclometer -- Cycle computer.

Cytocrust -- The sludge that forms on your bike and body after a day or riding and drinking (and spilling) Cytomax.

- D -
DAL -- Dead-ass last, next best thing to DNF.

DFL -- Dead fuckin' last.

DNF -- Did not finish.

dancing on the pedals -- What you do when you ride away from everyone else on a climb.

dangle 'em off the front -- Keeping a breakaway within sight but not closing the gap so as to let them fry themselves up front.

danseuse, "a la danseuse" -- (French: Like a dancer.) When you get out of the sade on a steep incline.

Deathmaster -- (Brit./Wirral) Referring to clincher tyres that were fine in the dry, but as soon as it rained, everybody using them fell off on the first corner.

dead turn -- A time trial turning where you just do a U-turn in the mide of the road. (Banned in most of the UK.)

death ride -- Training ride so hard that everyone is incoherant afterwards.

deep-dish wheels -- Aero disc wheels.

degueuler, "faire degueuler sa bouillie" -- (French: To make someone barf his/her gruel.) Riding hard to try to drop someone.

Delgado, do a Delgado -- Show up late for a race/ride.

devo -- Developmental team rider.

dime roll -- See: corncob.

diesel -- Someone who can churn along at a steady pace for a long pull.

dine off the big plate -- Use the big ring.

In the dining car -- sitting at the back of the peloton.

dinner plate -- The big ring. (As opposed to the salad plate.)

doggin' it -- Sitting on and getting paced for a later attack.

doing the bungee -- This is used to describe the continuous wheelsucking / drafting of a riding partner. (being pulled along by attaching a bungee cord).

Doing the Zabel -- see Cleat surfing.

double -- Measure of distance. "I did a double bottle (or) double bonk."

double clanger -- English for double chainring.

drag strip -- A very fast TT course , usually a traffic assisted dual carriageway.

driver -- Someone always on the front upping the tempo eg Hes a hell driver.

driving -- When youre having a good day - eg. I was f**king driving the break.

dummy -- Spat the dummy', as in 'he spat the dummy'. Used in Australia. A 'dummy' is a baby's pacifier. This means 'got dropped' (off the back).

- E -
Eie Bullshit -- Coaching tips of dubious worth. "He learned it all from E.B."

Elvis -- "I was seeing Elvis!" I was hurting real bad out there. (Stolen from Clara Hughes on CBC during 1994 TdF Femme coverage.) Opposite of: Tesh.

Erwin, doing an Erwin -- When a rider riding at the front sets a heavy tempo that the rest of the bunch don't wanna do, hence he tends to roll off the front on his own. The Erwin came about from the 93' Tour when Erwin Nijboer from Benesto was setting a heavy tempo in the front of the peloton. Big Mig rolls through the bunch up to the front called out "Erwin, Erwin" then flicks his head back to indicate "Slow down, I don't want you to set this tempo."

EWD -- Extreme Wiener Discomfort, (aka: penile numbness).

Eyeballs Out -- Going very hard, generally up to a break.


-F-

fat boy -- A rider with more muscle than you, (especially above the waist.)

FDGB -- Fall down, go boom. Usually accompanied by dirty looks from the

stoker.

February legs -- That heavy, stoney feeling in your thighs.

feeling the chain -- A good pull; a good burn. "I was feeling the chain after that pull."

filcked, flicked -- Dropped from the group.

flat liner -- A rider who is good on the flat, but as soon as the road goes up, gets shelved .

flathead calves -- Legs that are in fatless form.

fork plant -- What happens after you realize that your front skewer wasn't as tight as it should have been...

foxing -- Deliberately riding bay, in the hope of getting a better handicap. An ancient Australian tradition in the weeks before a big race.

Fred -- Anyone who is marching to the beat of a different drummer. A newbie.

Freida -- Female Fred.

Freight Train -- Big guys that take a long time to get up to speed then hold a VERY fast pull at the front while everyone barely hangs on over the flats.

friction -- Forget all that integrated indexed crap, good old friction this is the system of choice for retro-grouches.

fridge magnet -- a wheel sucker, someone who does no work at the front.

fried -- Overtrained.

funmeter -- heart rate monitor.

furry frisbee -- Road kill; road pizza; flattened fauna.


- G -
gapping someone off the back -- Riders in a break take turns creating a gap at the back and bridging, with a non-working break member on their wheel, forcing the non-working member to jump repeatey.

Garanimal -- A novice, devo animal.

gentle jaunt -- See: nooing.

ginchy -- A bike part that is new and pretty cool. "Nice ginchy stem!"

ginzooed -- What happens to your leg or knee when a spoke on a Spinergy wheel delaminates from the rim.

girlie -- (Aust.) Aussie term for Trixie.

go till ya' blow -- Self explanitory.

going like... a donkey/a bag of shit/a girl -- Riding bay. (Ed: obviously not all roadies are PC!)

gone, he's gone -- A roadie that doesn't join the bunch ride at 7:00 am Sat/Sun Morning because of either: a) a new girlie, or b) pressure from the Mrs. (Usage: "Where's Mark?" "He's gone!")

goo, goop -- Carbo gel.

good set -- Several good waves in close succession. "I got spat out one good wave and caught a second straight away, good set!"

good wave -- A truck that you managed to catch just right and clocked up 50 km/h following for a few minutes before you lost them or blew up - "That was a good wave, if only I hadn't been spat out." (See: surfing.)

goose, goosed -- Nudged off balance; knocked off your sled.

granny gear -- a very low gear, say 39 x 28. (So low your grandmother could turn it).

gravity sled -- the effect of normal people and gravity. The tag given to people who pass those on the way down who passed them on the way up.

gravity tattoo -- The scar on your skin that is a permanent reminder of a serious crash.

greased out -- See: biff.

grenaded -- You blew up. Also, catastrophic equipment failure, eg: "His derailleur granaded, dude!"

grid -- a bike.

grind -- Pedal slowly in a big gear.

grovel -- A hill you end up in your lowest gear for. "That hill was a real grovel." Also used on the flat when you have blown your ring.

grovelling -- Riding bay.

gruppetto -- In the big tour mountain stages, the group of poor climbers, whostick together and help each other finish inside the time limit. Also called the autobus or the laughing group.

gut spray, gopher juice -- What gets splattered over your legs when a truck runs over fresh road pizza.

gutterball -- Strung out in the gutter in a crosswind.


- H -
4-H training -- Headwinds, hills, heat and humidity; all at the same time!

habble to the gallop -- (Scots.) When you want to do a muscle popping sprint. "Habble to the Gallop, Lads!"

half-wheel hell -- Riding with a hammerhead.

hammer, drop the hammer -- See: throw down the hammer.

hammerhead -- Someone who refuses to EVER ride easy.

hammerfest -- A brutally fast ride or race.

hill -- Anything you have to change down a gear for.

hill, big -- Anything you have to change down more than one gear for.

hit list -- These are the riders that have attcked and dropped you when you have been down on form, or comming back from an injury. Usage: "When I get back in form, those pricks are on my hit list."

hit the wall -- (1) Bonking. (2) What happens after you depart from your rollers very unexpectey.

hoopski -- When you have gone so hard and your ring hangs out (like a hoop).

horse -- Bicycle.

hot stuff -- Disenfectant to heal tar burns. "Give me the hot stuff."

human crayons -- Cat. 5 racers.

human lung -- A rider who doesn't need to breathe while everone else is gasping.

hunger knock, hunger flat -- Bonk.


- I -
"I'm at the end of a hard training session." -- What you say when an MTB rips past you on a hill.

"I'm at the end of a hard training session." -- What you say when an MTB dusts you on a flat.

invisible hill -- A headwind.

interval -- What you do when a dog is chasing you.

iron, ironclad -- A steel bike.


- J -
Jaboffo, Jaboff -- An ancient term (mid 70's) used when describing a Fred.

jam -- Keep a fast pace.

joke -- See "the chop"


- K -
kicked down -- Rode really fast. "We kicked down on our race last Saturday."

kicking, getting a kicking, getting your head kicked in -- (Brit./Wirral) This occurs when you are up against a rider or group of riders who are going far better than you. You end up getting your proverbial head kicked in. Usage: "Those guys were going so well! They gave me a right kicking" or "They kicked my head in on that last climb". (Chris Boardman uses this one a lot -- displaying his roots perhaps?)

kite -- Good climber, bad descender. Opposite of: brick.

knackered -- Running out of energy while riding.

knock -- Run out of energy while riding. "Got the knock."

knocking and pinging -- Running out of energy while riding uphill.


- L -
lantern rouge -- (French: Red light.) Awarded to last rider in. (From the red light that hangs on the last car of a train.) laughing group -- The guys just trying to finish the race.

left -- Front. (Left shift lever controls front D.)

light at the end of the tunnel -- DFL. "I saw the light at the end of the tunnel!" (Usually the lantern rouge.)

limit -- The group receiving the biggest start in a handicap. (Australian). Those who ride off the limit are the limities.

Lloyd -- A triathelete.

Lollipops -- Speedplay pedals.

long thin line -- A pagoda dragon just waiting to happen.

lost the remote -- When your Mavic Zap goes nuts.

lunch(ed) -- To break your equipment, "He lunched his chain/wheel/shifters, et al.



- M -
Masters -- Those that work more than 40 hours per week

melba--As in melba toast. Overtrained really bad.

"burnt melba toast" is even worse.

melon -- Head.

minute man -- The man in front of you in a time trial.

mission -- Ride. "I know where THAT is... That's a long fucking mission from here!"

mobile -- Bicycle.

moocher -- Somebody that never has his own tools.

more yammerin' than hammerin' -- An easy ride.


- N -
Newton's First Principle -- Fruit Newtons never stay whole for more than 20 miles on any ride!

No cop... no stop! -- (Come on, we all know this one...)

nobodies -- Riders who are not worth chasing when they attack because you know you will catch them a few klicks down the road. Usage: "I don't chase nobodies."

nooe, nooing -- Out for an easy ride; recovery ride.

novice - Fred/Bunter, eg when a bunter attacks you and you pass him a minute later you say to him "...youre a f**king novice mate".

- O -
off from the blocks -- Meaning as soon as you get the go ahead to start, you attack.

on the gear -- A roadie that is allegey taking performance enhancing substances.

on the juice -- As above.

organ donor -- A helmetless rider.

Ouch! -- What you say when you cut yourself while shaving your legs.


- P -
pace line -- The line of people going through at the front of the bunch.

pagoda dragon -- The snaking motion a long line of racers forms in a straightaway as each guy tries to hang on to the wheel of the guy in front of him.

pack foer -- What you are when you can't crack the top 20 in a race.

parade -- Slow part of race.

the pea -- The rider chosen by his team to win the race by sprinting.

pea picking -- Same as "gapping someone off the back"

peg -- The scratch mark in a handicap. (Australian).

pegging the funmeter -- reaching max heart rate on a tough ride.

perf -- Flat. "Too bad, right perf!"

permafour -- A rider who will be a life-time (permanent) Category 4.

piano -- Going very slowly in a road race. "They rode the first 20 miles piano."

pisser, "faire pisser le chien" -- (French: To take the dog out for a leak.) To have an easy ride.

played speed bump -- Biffed at the front of the pack.

Plastic Fantastic - composite frame.

poacher -- A person that rides with the participants in a charity ride but does not pay the entry fee.

podium pose -- What the sponsors pay you for.

pooch polo -- This is the time-honored tradition of using a frame pump to dissuade the pursuing dog from having your leg for lunch. (Midwestern USA term.)

popped -- Blown.

poser exposer-- Any big enough hill that when ridden at speed will dropsome riders in the pack, thus exposing them as posers.

potty stop -- That short break you sometimes need to get rid of your superfluous fluids.

potty finger -- When your riding partner has taken offense to something said or done to him/her, the partner extends the middle finger of either hand in the traditional manner. Also used to let the person in front of you know their barb or action has struck home.

PowerBarf -- Maybe that Berry bar wasn't such a good idea after all...

pray the rosary -- What you do when you suddenly realize that the line you're on will bisect the bale of hay/car/wall in front of you.

PREEM! -- What you yell at the Cat. 4 who rhymes "prime" with "time".

Prime-Madonna -- Obnoxious prime racer.

pump the big meat -- Push a big gear.


- Q -
Quaddess -- an upper catagory woman, one with epic quads as in mythologic Greek proportions.

Quad-God -- male equivalent of "quaddess".

- R -
ramp -- A hill, usually a pretty good hill.

real cyclist -- You are only a Real Cyclist when the net worth of your cycling equipment exceeds the net worth of your automobile(s) by a factor of >= 3!

retro-grouch -- A roadie with a friction ironclad and not a gram of titanium anywhere.

Reverse attack --see off the back.

rice and potatoes -- What the College Boys eat. (Why waste money on food when you need a pair of Ti skewers!)

rig -- Bicycle.

got the rig -- When you run out of gas in a sprint.

rib tickler -- Really tough climb

ring sting -- synonym for sprocket bite.

right -- Rear. (Right shift lever controls the rear D.)

rivet, put to the rivet, on the rivet -- Pace is so fast you think you're gonna see Elvis. (This is a reference to Brooks Pro saddles which have copper rivets.)

road pizza -- Road kill; furry frisbees; flattened fauna.

road rash -- Abrasion from sliding on pavement after a crash.

roadie -- Cyclists that like to put their rubber on something HARD!

roadie mate -- A cycling buy. The person who calls your significant other after a really bad crash. (Significant others are seldom roadie mates...)

rough stuff -- Gravel, shoulder of the road.

rubberband -- When your attack fails, the pack catches you and spits you out the back.



- S -
S.K. -- Schwanz Kompression. (German: numb nuts.)

salad plate -- The small ring. (As opposed to the dinner plate.)

saucer -- A track

sawed off -- Stuck in the back group when the pack splits.

selle, "avoir la selle dans le trou du cul" -- (French: To have the saddle in the asshole.) To go at one's maximum. See: rivet.

shat out -- Dropped.

shelled out the back -- The most violent form of being dropped.

Shit-mano -- Shimano, used by riders who discover that last year's thingamagic is incompatible with this year's whatyamcallit.

shoot the gap -- Trying to go from the pack to catch the break.

single -- a tubular tyre.

singled out -- No, not an MTV game show... (Yes a couple of programs even made it to England!) When the bunch has become a single pace line.

sit 'n spin -- Those practice sprints in your 42-19.

sitting on -- following a group of riders purely to save energy.

sitting on the sofa -- Sitting in during a large group ride or race.

sketchy -- A dangerous rider or riding style.

skirt ride, wearin' the skirt -- When your girlfriend kicks your (and all the other boys) ass up every hill or if you're feeling execptionally fatigued. "Thanks for the skirt sweetheart!" , "I need to ditch the skirt!".

slap your melon on the tarmac -- Hit your head on the ground.

sled -- Bicycle.

slinky, caught in the slinky -- What happens in a mixed category race to the riders in the back of the pack when the mide of the pack slows and forces them to sprint back on... in every corner. As in: "I got trashed when I got caught in the slinky."

sloth -- Early season body type.

skid lid -- Helmet.

smash -- like "I'll smash ya on the next ride you bastard". What you so when you work someone over real bad on a ride.

snake -- Sprinter who knows how to come out of the pack to win a field sprint.

snork, snorking -- (Pacific NorthWest), see blow, blow snot.

snot -- In northeast England, a very steep short hill.

snot rocket -- See blow, blow snot.

snot shot -- To catch someone's blow. "I got snot shot."

spent -- See: cooked.

spin and grin -- Having a fun time in a low gear.

spit -- Dropped by the pack.

spit out -- A more violent form of getting spit. "Spit out like a sour grape."

sponsor cloth -- The wet washcloth you keep zip-locked in your kit bag. For cleaning up before a podium pose.

sprocket bite -- Grease mark left on the calf from an inexperienced racer (or spaced veteran) leaning up against his chainring (synonym for a Cat. 5 tattoo). Also called ring sting.

spuds -- SPD pedals/cleats.

spun out, hyper-spins -- What one does on downhills in the spring.

squirrel -- That rider who always seems to be in front of the crash that he causes by his obnoxious riding. A rider who rides in a dangerous, unpredictable fashion. The term comes from the way squirrels act when crossing the road, darting back and forth in an attempt to be as unpredictable as possible. Or, the one you aim for with your car after the race to make into road kill.

squirrel cage -- A track

stealth -- Composite frame. "His sponsor put him on stealth this year."

steed -- Bicycle.

straight block, blitzkrieger -- See corncob. A 12-18 or 13-19 freewheel.

strung out -- Fast pace.

sucking diesel -- Cycling very well / very fast (Irish expression). "Now we're sucking diesel !"

sucking wheel -- Drafting.

surf -- Synonym to sittin on the sofa, hiding in the pack trying not to do any work, as in: "I don't care about this race, I'm just gonna surf."

surf cam -- Like car cam. What you call the people looking out of the back of the bus at you busting your gut surfing. "Hey look, we're on surf cam again!"

surfing -- To utilise trucks slipstreams for increased speed and decreased effort for short periods.

swag -- Any prime that isn't cold hard cash.

sweet one -- The high octane bottle.

swinger -- A rider who leads out the "pea" at the finish, then obstructs the rest of the field.

swingin' -- Hanging on for dear life. "I got into a break with Norm Alvis and Steve Hegg and I was swingin' at the back!"


- T -
tacoed -- What you say about your wheel after it's been badly bent, almost in the shape of a Taco.

tail-ender -- DFL in the overall classification of a stage race.

tailgunning -- Technique for hanging on the back of the pack, allowing gaps but regaining contact whenever the pace slows.

tar burns -- What appears on your body after tar surfing. (If it was only as much fun as receiving carpet burns!)

tar surfing -- Crash on the tarmac.

targets -- Commuter cyclists, those who don't wear cycle shorts and travel at about half your speed.

target practice -- Cycling at rush hour, picking off commuter cyclists left, right and center.

tarmac -- Hard stuff, ground.

taste lung -- Go way anaerobic. Really hammer.

tater -- Collapsing a spoked wheel into that familiar potato chip shape. "Man! When I hit that big chuckhole I tatered my front wheel."

tea party -- See: yammering, coffee klatch.

Ten man/Five man -- The fast seeded men in British time trials. Seeding going in order, 10,5,1,6,2,7,3,8,4,9.

Technicolor yawn --Throw up, vomit.

Tesh -- "I was so Zoned, I thought I heard John Tesh playing." Opposite of: Elvis.

tester -- Term of derision for anyone that can ride faster than you.

through and off -- See: chaingang.

throw down the hammer -- When those really strong guys let you know that they are strong.

Ti -- Titanium.

ti guy -- Titanium-ophile.

tin can -- Any aluminum frame.

toasted -- Overtrained.

Tom Tipp -- Same as squirrel.

tow in -- what you do for a friend after he blows up.

tour guide -- A hammerhead at the front who sets a pace no one else can carry. No one pulls through, and he doesn't mind. Eventually, everyone just settles in and goes along for the ride. "Terry was our Tour Guide heading North on Snowberry the other night."

trailer -- A person in a breakaway who can do little more than hang on the back of the break for dear life. "I got in the break with Chad and Eric, but I was pretty much just a trailer."

tri-head -- A triathlete.

tri-sport, tri-geek -- A friggin' triathlete.

Trixie -- A roadie's spouse.

truck boost -- Taking advantage of a truck's slipstream.

tubie -- Sew up/tubular tire.

Tupperware -- same as plastic fantastic.

turkey tracks -- grease mark on the right calf left by the chainring.


- U -
ugly -- Hurt.

"It's going to be ugly." I'm going to put a hurting on you guys.
"It was ugly." They put a hurting on me.
unobtanium -- The newest and most expensive alloy.

used and abused -- Got jumped in the break.


- V -
Velo Snooze -- The journal of bicycle racing.

vulture -- To circle at the top of a hill waiting for slower "friends".


- W -
wack, wacked -- Running out of energy while riding.

weekend warrior - see Bunter.

whack your bean -- To hit your head (as in, while falling...)

wheel suck -- Someone who sticks to your ass like snot to a fingernail.

wheel kiss -- The kissing sound made when a wheel suck gets too close and rubber rubs.

wheel fuck(ed) -- When your spokes end up attached to a wheel suck's wheel.

whiner -- Someone who fights the commissars over 19th place.

win hands down -- An easy victory.

wipe out -- To fail to catch a wave while surfing.

wipe out big time -- To crash while surfing.

wipe out really big time -- To crash up the arse of the bus or truck you are surfing.




- Y -
yammer, yammering -- Chatting on the bike.

yard-sale -- An extreme biff; stuff scattered about like a yard sale.



- Z -
Zoned, In the Zone -- When you're leading a pack of hammerheads and spinning fine and there's no where else on Earth you'd rather be!